Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Randomize
