I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
