I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
He better not be in your backpack
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
you made out with another girl for some wings
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
