I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
