why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
