You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
40s are totally the cure
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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