Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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