Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
