How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
