What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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