My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
