How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
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