I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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