I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
