Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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