o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
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