booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
