Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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