Need sex. Gaining weight.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
