Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
