we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
