Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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