We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
