how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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