Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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