i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
