Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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