well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
