I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
