i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
You are the jesus of drinking
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Randomize
