so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
