Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
