I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
My bed smells like the plague
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
