I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
