So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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