as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
