Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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