I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
