Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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