Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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