I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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