I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
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