why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
