so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
whose parrot is this?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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