just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
