You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
