Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Randomize
