Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
