Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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