Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
