He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
