she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
