Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
