he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
