just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
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